oh damn...

Hi, it is already wednesday. Oh Hello to mid-term exam. because of the Godamn people in uni, my whole CNY was ruined. I thought i could smile, temporary forget the stuff in uni and my stupid idiot people that i trust. But I couldnt stand with my fake smile anymore. I couldnt even look at myself, I feel myself is ugly enough, i just want to puke.. What is wrong? WHAT THE HELL is going wrong with me?

During this CNY, valentine's day...

I am sicked with those questions- " Where is your bf""why he didnt come" why he never helps" why you never intro" why you so secretive" why i didnt see your bf" which almost 90% of the people i meet will ask me about. What i need is not these kind of questions. I want you guys to ask about MYself. cause if you ask me about others , you know what...I am so helpless about them. I dont know why and because it was one day, i asked them dont need to come and i dont know how to answer people when they ask me about how is my relationship going on, I tell story like it is still the same from before until now. I just cant help to feel hurt inside. It is not good. Cause I suck. I AM SUCK in everything.

People out there especially to uni frens, listen, whatever you guys ask, i will give you guys NO. NO TIME . BUSY. CANT HELP. some similar and many more answers like that. I already made up my mind. that is too bad for some fren who always want to take advantage of me. I Got my limit and i will angry anytime i want, anytime I like. I wont be so kind and nice anymore. when i show you my true colour, JUST dont be surprised =) I AM TIRED WIHT YOU GUYS acting.

Corner of heart

I skipped class today. one class which is about ethnic. guess you know what criticism will i got in class today but I dont care regardless of what you would like to say.

I have been lectured since the begining of this sem. nah. last sem also got just this sem i wonder why I was the one who did alot of works and still ended up being lectured or scolded. While my partner who doesnt do, i can say not even 20% of the whole assignment is the one who earns the credit. I feel unfair but I just keep quiet. That is why i hate group assignment so much. Parasites everywhere, the one who contributes receive criticism whereas the one who rarely do anything earns the credit.

I attended all the classes and still end up being lectured said i didnt come, always absent. During class, i wonder who is the one that the lecturer looking at . Ghost? my spirit? or maybe she got too many students that couldnt remember me. I never even absent once since the sem has started, except today but it was not her class. I feel hurt that i am not appreciated but being scolded instead. I told myself that even none of a single person in this world can understand myself enough also I dont need to feel sad. I just need to continue with life and as long as God knows that i am doing a good job, that is already enough.

I always being said "polarisasi kaum". I wonder what the heck about others? please dont just point the finger at me and my group. I am so boring to listen to all these craps when summit group list, being lectured on the spot about working with people , different ethnic all stuff. Where the hell can i find someone to work with me? only if they want. not i didnt ask but they are not interested to join cause it is my fault that i am not familiar with them enough. But I understand you guys really want me to learn. I understand and pleaseee give me time to find. Dont just see me one time, lecture me one time. I sometime really cant stand with it. I am REALLY going suffocated.

Dont everytime i will be the only target, be the one who done so much and be the one being lectured among my friends. My friends can just stand there, look at me innocently as if i am the only one who did wrongly and they dont have fault at all? Can i tell the lecturer that please dont just stare at me when you lecture all of us?

Dear all my lecturers, thank you so much that you guys tell me that i am weak enough that i got so much need to learn.

I know very often in life, I learned something earlier than others, I just need to take the feedback and criticism positively then turn it into a new force that will make me do even better in my life . I know this is the time. So I thank God that I learned so much earlier today and when I work, I shall be strong enough to face the criticism again.

Hit me with a big rock, I will hurt but after I recover, I will destroy the rock when you hit me next time.

Actually I am proud of myself enough that i need to face tonnes of problem in this short period of time but i still able to do my work regardless of how hurt i can be compare to others who just lamenting that they cant because of this and that.

Friends , Works and Criticism.
I think this is what I will face when i work.

The FAKE people who looks sincere enough to let me know who they really are, they act so much better than i could never expect.
The WORKS that I dont know, and too many blur instructions that I gotta redo keep redoing, keep running check and change by my own for GROUP Assignment within 2 hours.
What I earn from friend is just "thank you and sorry that I didnt do much". I am already used to this kind of "rewards".
Criticism eiher from lecturers or friends.
I care a lot of the criticism from lecturers. I wish I can perform better according to their demands but never expect to perform so badly at last.
there are tonnes of other things that i couldnt say here.
at least this 40% is better to throw it here than to keep 100% to myself.

I will not just get over with this 40%, I will deal with it instead. Cause honestly speaking, I got my faults.

I am going home soon

All my friends go home today. Left me behind alone. need to help them take attendance doing some dangerous stuffs. hope everything will be smooth for me tomorrow.

anyway, I am going home soon too. I thought I am happy, but i am not. I scare to face my parents... I scare they will be sad to see me become like this. I am sad to see myself like this too. I just cant help and I want to be strong too. I keep eating in these few days just to hope that i will look better. I never expect that I need to be like this. I wonder if i am really okay. I know I try to be strong, people dont know how much i go through. but when the nite falls, I am still the same, I just want to cry out loud. I want to talk but who can i talk to now other than myself.

gotta admit that this is part of the life, i gotta go through it myself.
be strong..

Okay, Nobody to talk to I talk to you.!!!

IF not because of that stupid assignment, I wont be quiet typing here. I want to talk!!! I lost my Rm560+ today. And MY FREN WHO I TRUST MIGHT BE the oen who stole my money! I am so confused who to trust and what is happening!! I AM so stupid enough to continue doing my stupid asshole group assignment. I lost Rm600+ this month. I have saved so hard and it all just missing like that. What the hell. WHAT THE HELL!!!! and I Am not happy at all! I am not happy recently!!! SINCE LAST LAST WEEK!! I am so pity that i got nobody to refer to, I only can cry and sulk. I called and everyone is busy with cny. I called another one, too bad it is still the same, nobody picks up. I just want to talk to someone that closed to me. fren? I talk to them only i find myself feeling worse of myself. They wont say something good but show me how pityful i am..how unlucky i can be. yawn...what the hell I am still here. nothing more to expect. I only can depend on myself and trust myself. I am your solution but so often you are my problem.

WHY I DONT LIE!!!

WHY I dont lie...Why...if i lie i already got the stupid chop. WHAT the hell... I really dont understand why you guys dont understand that the reason why i couldnt attend!!! IT IS NOT I DONT WANT TO GO It is not i dont wake up in the morning or go back home celebrating , it not like i will get anything better for not attending..It is all because i got coccuriculum need to go which will give me 3 credit hours, if i didnt attend, i gotta repeat this stupid activity for my whole semester and you know this compulsory stuff if dont go also need to repeat next year. WHY you have to force us to die?? why !!! This uni is a hell of shits. LOTs of shitty systems , Dont need to pretend as if it is really that clean or good. you know your standard lar, you know how lame and HOW CORRUPTED you are. You no need to act as if you are high standard. can just go and eat shit lar. What need to follow the rules hope i understand. You dont even understand, I think one day if someone treat your own children the same way , what will you think? you say you are linear, say only. you are you lar, we are still ourselves lar. different obviously.
why i dont lie...if i lie , i dont need to feel so sad right now and definitely will get the chop BUT WHY I DONT LIE WHY!!!! WHY I have to be so good. see ...once again what i got... Overall it is still my fault for being honest. God, YoU created a dirty world like this and you want us to stay clean in this dirty world. what the hell.

First time I could say no by my wholeheartedly

One of my "used to be" good friends was having birthday party yesterday. I was actually thinking to attend her birthday party but I didnt go at last despite they already invited me earlier. It seems like I still couldnt act like as if nothing has happened in front of them. My limit is that we all can only remain as friends but no longer more than that. hmm, I find myself has forgiven them but not forget entirely. At least one of my principles, from the beginning since the first second of our first meet, I will invest 101% of trust for everybody i know. The rest is depending on how that person treasure it. If that person don't appreciate it and trying to break it into pieces, I wont be able to do the rest for you guys - the job of mending it and be as if nothing has happened. The life for being boycotted was seriously not fun, especially knowing you own clique trying to boycott you and you dont know a thing at all but being lied as if everything is fine. It's just disappointed. This is very clear to show me that how much you guys worth to me. and that is why, you should know why you don't deserve me as your friends. but thank you guys, for your different attitudes that teach me how to grow in such a situation though i already learnt that before. No matter what you would like to say about me, say i am not good enough , not sincere, didnt remember your birthday or what. I no longer care. I only care what I have promised myself and my parents. my own principle. oh ya! i think i even share the present with you guys eventhough i didnt go for that party. yawn..I guess I am something wrong~ but fine since my mom says is fine if i want to share.