Frustration~

Every since I started my form six life, life doesn't seem to be smooth for me.In fact it is very challenging than before. I cant deny that majority does not have an easy life as well...Just I am human too, I dont want to ask for sympathy ,it is not my real self .I just want to express my feeling at here...a place nobody knows me ,a place which people wouldnt read at your boring article..
Well...
About my study, I am getting worse...No matter how hard or does that being counted as working hard? I dont know... I keep motivating myself, but I seem to be already resistant to my bad result... just the bacteria already resistant to the antibiotic..yea right, I am a bio-student and ironically I dont know biology at all...I just got the lowest marks for my chemistry today...I didn't mention it to anyone that I really care about my marks although I show no sulk at all towards it..
I can't even share it with my best friends...As my problem is just a very small matter compare to the problem which he is facing now which is thousands and millions time serious than mine..
Ever since his mother had past away, his life is getting tougher and tougher. I know he is trying hard to go through his everyday life. No matter how hard he is trying, he still will face some kind of obstacle where his friends get into serious accidents, being unconsciously in hospital,he himself even rammed into an oil palm tree while riding motorbike on estate. And now her god sis's mom is in a very critical stage, only got 17% survive rate..I feel so helpless when he needs to face so much of problems... I cant stop thinking that myself is not the one for him, I cant even console him when he needs someone to share his problem as I also got my own problem.. I hope someone is there to share with me too and I know I cant share with him as his problem is very serious compare to my problem..I cant stop asking myself why others' problem is only considered as serious problem while my problem seem to be doesnt matter at all...
I hope to express my feeling to him, but i cant... I just get stuck...I know this kind of mindset is very childish, but i am a human too, I cant always be so understanding towards other while being cruel at myself...
I even think why am I so unlucky to being so lucky... his mom past away last year, and now his god sis's mom is having a tiny hope to survive... I cant console his heart not because i dont know what to say, it is because i never lost someone I am close and love so much in my whole life,I am not qualify to teach people what to do... I thank God for giving me a good life with parents still on my side taking care of me, I dont need to worry about anything ..almost nothing that i need to worry about and I appreciate this moment that i'm still having as i know it wont last forever...
He always think that my life is a bed of roses while he cant see the thorns within it... i am fine if he thinks like that , i dont blame him as i know what he is going through is very tough..
At some points, I feel myself is so unlucky for being lucky is because my life is too perfect for me to say something to those who is miserable than me.. I feel myself is not qualify to do so,and i know they do feel that too... anyway...May God bless him always....

I commit suicide everyday

I am cursing people everyday

why?

well simple...none of the people in this society that i can look up to or even tolerate with them,

I feel they are meaningless and so tiny!

I couldnt stand with their rude and dictator personalities while driving on road..

I couldnt just let myself relax even for 1 second...every moment there will be motorcycles riding fast pass through you and car which did not put signal and turning as if there are no cars coming on the opposite way..They do whatever they like..Rule doesnt work at all...enforcement do not have!

I wish i am superman so that i can escape and hide from them easily

I couldnt bear with this kind of selfish people anymore..

Badly, because of them , i am becoming hot temper and mentally depressed...

THose idiot PLs stay away from my way....

I commit suicide everyday....I dont wana die so fast...

but i think i will get crazy before i disappear.....Living in a darkest world....

Decaying

I wana be fair to myself...

I dont wana deceive myself and keep believing something that is not going to happen...

I am tired and I dont wana lie to myself that i still can go for so much things

I know I have once again make myself into another hot water and really couldnt go out of it

I couldnt believe myself is going to die like this....

Ok...I accept the fact that i no longer can survive~

I am decaying ~

The hollow between the distance~

I am getting tired...

No matter how many hours i have slept ,still i feel so helpless and tired.

Everyday I force myself to accept everyday and wake up to face this grey society..

Without taking count whether I am awaked or not, I drive ,I fetch my brother and cousin to school

Without thinking about my safety, i keep sailing on my everyday...

Seeing every friend of mine is so hardworking and doing excellent in their academic...

seeing my mountain of homeworks always couldn't be done no matter how long i take to do it

Seeing my attitude is deterioting...

I feel so frustrating..

albeit I want myself to be strong..i know i need to...

since that day, I become quiet and do not want to be so generous anymore...

I used to dream that I would sacrifice myself to help those miserably people poor people ....

But now, I already decided not to help anyone anymore...

People wont trust you no matter how hard u try to help them out

People wont gratitude what you do ,they will still think it is a necessity...

People , their hearts, wont change...

They hatred , they hurt and betray each other....

I know i couldnt change a thing from the fact above,

That is why I become selfish...

People critize me

People dislike me

They don't know me , they dont know what am i going through..

They just want me to follow and always be my best...

I am like a dead meat~ dead zombie...alive without soul..

Father mother keep advising me to let it be

There is nothing much that we can do...

I know they are right but I just couldnt accept that it must be turning up to be that way

Someone hit my car , I still need to pretend don't care...dont know....

This stupid society..DAMN IT!

I just can curse them non-stop without doing anything to fight back..

I couldn't fight back because I don't want bad thing happens to me...

I don't want bad thing to happen to me because I love my family so much..

I want to protect them solely with my life...

Thus I close my eyes and hope for the best thing happens to me....

I survive and alive without pride...

I don't know what is the objective i am here as I just can endure each day by bullied by others....

I am tired...because...I am no longer who i am....

Father,please listen...

I never do any bad thing to hurt people..

I dont want You to reward me with anything ..

I just pray to you that those bastards can stay away from me...

I won't interfer their lives..

I hope they won't interfer my life as well !

I know you are there....

I know it...

That is why i plead you here...

That is why i pray so hard for everyday and for those i love..

New Year~ ^^~

Chinese new year now~

I am So happy not only because of the angpaos but the holidays!!

Although it is new year, still I didnt feel very excited as before..

Mood is still swinging ~ couldnt stop thinking about something~

Parents always say that i am so kiddish~

Yea, I know that,just I dont want to change~

It is one of the ways that I get to enjoy life...

The only moment that I can be who I am...

The only moment that I no need to be so serious..

THe only moment that I no need to pretend....

I started arguing with someone because of some historical love story..

I am too good in observing..maybe yes maybe no...

I am too sensitive ...maybe yes and maybe no...

He didnt want to let me know ..

I assumed he is still very protecting that girl....

I know they are still friends even until now...

that i don't care...

I was actually testing him..

Just he didnt realize that..

If he really tell me what i ask for,

Still I won't try it anyway~

I get my hypothesis in the end...as well as the conclusion...

In the end~ we end up with nothing~ time faded away...everything lost....hahaz...

So stupid....for once again....

I am hurt...still i feel like want to laugh~

I am laughing actually~Or crying?

Apparently,I couldnt differenciate it...

I think I like him somehow....

I didnt dare to tell or even admit it as I scare i will be hurt...

How useless I am....

Love doesnt guarantee us a happy ending~

I want to step by step...

but somehow we are just keep stucking in the ori place...

never move at all....

I hope to buy him a valantines' present...

But now, I think it doesnt matter anymore...

I am tired....

ok...just forget about it....

2008 ~

2008 ,another new year has come.
Nothing difference this year.. i am getting busy and busier..
No time to update my blog...
I just finished reading one of my best friends' blog...
I didn't know he was angry with me...I was so sorry to him and angry myself too..
I have been trying so hard to keep in touch with all of my best friends..I will call everyone out when I got holiday..that is the only way that i get to see all of them..but Some of them just keeps rejecting me with thousand of reasons.Every times, I am the only one who need to ask them out and call them if they are coming ..I really find no points why I must do like that,I care about them, but they never think the same way as i did..
Sometimes,I really just hope to invite few people who can turn up enough. But ,when i do like that, some people will blame me for neglecting them..do they ever think about my condition? I hate myself for holding tight to everyone that I used to be friends...I hate myself for holding that stupid gathering until making someone annoy with me..I am so sorry..I didn't mean it..really...and I promised it won't happen next time anymore as I ain't going to waste my time to organize any gathering ...
I am tired ...=.= sigh....


human changes all the time..
if not the past memories which still holding me to them...
I think i wouldn't be so caring to them...
My feeling towards you will always stay from the day we met until the day you have gone...
Our friendship Died in the day you become different...
No matter how many times you try to make me into hot water..
No matter how many times you backstab me...
No matter how many times you betray me...

I will still appreciate you for being so helpful
and brought me so many happy memories before this...
I still take you as my best friends even though you are no longer the same...
If one day, you come back to me...
I will still take you as my best friends...
I hope we can share all the memories and secrets together again..
I really don't know what is wrong with our friendship..
I alwasy take it serious...
I really don't know thing will change so fast in such a short period..
I am so sorry for leaving you all...
I know it is too late when i went back to there again..
But I thought You all will really happy for me for being chosen to a good school...
I thought you all will always the same...
I thought our friendship can really last forever...

Apparently , Friendship is just like a plant...
you must always watering and fertilise it....
Once you lazy to take care of it,
It will die off...

I am sorry...
I didn't realize my left will bring you all such a big change....


~ Saint vs Sin~

Second options doesn't always seem to be a bad choice ~

Long time seldom blogging ...

I would like to start my blog from my memories during the last Christmas 2007

Now already 2008, years by years, days by days, time passes non-stop

There are too many things need to be remembered , appreciated and to recall from time to time

If you just let it passes like that, you might won't be able to remember it anymore..

You might even think it never happens before...

Because you have forgotten...

Your brain will renew everyday and there is not everything our brains can store inside it..

Hence, while my memories still fresh...I would like to write it down..

...To keep all these footprints of life inside a space....as a remembrance....

I would like to share my 18 year-old puppy love story~

During my form 4 year, I knew a guy from my best friends...

This guy is introduced for me to teach me add maths and to finish math project

We never see each other before, We just chatted through msn, email and sms.

First time i met this guy, in my impression, He is a cool , humorous and smart guy...

Honestly, he really taught me a lot of things and I had totally had a crushed on him...

Every times when we online, we would talk to each other until midnight..

WE played and had lots of fun together..

That makes me even fall in love deeply with him..

I liked him, I bet he knew it too...

Just I am not a nice looking girl, my appearance blocked things to work out...

I was really hurt that time when i knew we were impossible to be together...

We even quarreled once.....it made me cried....ha ha...

After that, we did not talk for few weeks...

I blocked him up from my msn's list

So every time when i was on9, he couldn't see me

Few weeks ago, I unblocked him and we started to talk again.

One day, while i was having conversation with my best friends , he suddenly added us to another chat box where he was having conversation with his cousin brother who older than us for 5 years...

I saw his cousin brother before, not good looking because of a little bit obese

He knew my best friends was fond of business , and his cousin was working as the market executive...thus , they all started to chat...

I could hardly talk something as I didn't know what to say ...

Until my best friends left....

They started to talk something "easy to understand"(my level) with me...

and from there, I knew his cousin better...

Few months ago, we both got the National service offer...

I was so happy and dreaming if we could meet each other..

But at last we both got the different batch...

He got the first : I got the second....

It means he will go for the first 3 months while i will go 3 months after that...

We couldn't chat with each other everyday anymore....

while he was having his NS...

I just talked to his cousin...

compared to him, his cousin is more easier to communicate for me

We can really talk a lot ,crap non-stop...

We both have many similarities...

3 months after i got backed from my NS, He already got girlfriend...

After that, we even rarely talked to each other...

I was happy that he got someone he loved with...

And i started to focus on my academic....

days by the days.... we become best friends until now...

He broke with his gf few months ago because of parents disapproval...

his gf flied to United kingdom to pursuit her study...

they are even apart farther now...

but I know he still loves his gf very much even until now...

He hurts a lot from that relationship...

they both love each other so much, but because of parents , they couldn't be together for now...

However, I am so happy I can be his best friends until now...

Lover maybe would be better for me before that...

albeit, Lover can't guarantee you forever while friends do....

hence, second options doesn't always seem to be a bad choice....