Is this the end ?

I am tired, seriously saying, my mental cant really think further anymore, my physical body is too weak, i often feel like i am going to faint, i can just sit in the hall and suddenly feel black out. It all happens unconsciously. Everyday I laughs and makes people laugh. It doesn't really make me feel good at all, alot of things are missing. Some people even recommend me to be a joker in the TV program. Nowadays,I realize that my body is weak, aching, my face is getting worst, my chest pain, here pain there pain. =.= I feel like i am going to die, I often feel sad as if i am one of the people who is staying in the hospital helplessly looking at the calender counting days... Am I coming to the end? If so, Please let me know cause I don't want to die here, let me know, let me have time to go back home. Let me take my time to die in a place i like. I beg your mercy. At least do me this favor.

I know it is good to feel alive again after you thought you are going to die.
I know it is very important to appreciate each breathing moments after all.
I know quite often we didnt realize to stay alive is a bliss.
I know alot of people do not have this chance.
I know alot of people who have this chance choose the other way round.
I know most of the time, we searching for releasable by saying this life is a burden.
I know Life is beautiful but it is complicated that we hardly make it
I know We dont need to understand, cause there are many outcomes, many outcomes.
I know I just gotta make sure that i am alive before those people who loves me go away.

After all gone, I will be gone too .

Monday 25 jan 2010

Oh yes! left 3 weeks to go back home! ha ha ha...cant wait! Time, i know you are doing me a favor for all the time. When i am here i am looking forward to go home, you can fly as fast as you like and when i already reach home please freeze abit..slow down. i dont care how, i beg your mercy. xD

Today was a day in which all the assignments came together and needed to settle within 2 or 3 weeks. =.= PROJECTS. alright, I love it. lolzS cause i just cant wait to get all done and go home hehe. erm, one of my fren recommend me to write songs lyric like those senget" song and she will love to help me post it to youtube. She really admires and enjoys my jokes". She told me the way i communicate with people and the words i use are so funny. =.= shrug. I dont feel like laughing even though they laugh like cant help themselve. I guess maybe I dont even know if I am joking. But as long as I can make somebody or many people laugh and be happy even for a moment, I will be happy too ~ thank God for that talent. x)

Home! I wanna go home...

I have been thinking of home. I miss home. I cant help from being tension regardless of the hours i sleep. I hope I dont need to get tired easily so that I can do what i should do. I am kinda of sick with myself now. I am so tired to hold on... I wanna go back to find my mom and dad and tell them i wanna stay on their side. How nice if I can study what i like at the same time i can see my family everyday just like my kuching fren, everyweek go back still they will feel homesick too. I guess you can imagine those people like me. sigh.. home is what i really need.

another day of my life, all I can do is keep breathing.

I wish to go back home early. Just after finished activity, I was sitting alone at the bus stop, watching cars and people busy heading for their destination, I cant stop myself from thinking how much i really wish to be home at this moment. I love my course and most important i enjoy what i am studying except micro cause the lecturer pronounciation is kinda of weird, shape become sex..=.= so, i dont wanna comment about it. They are pity too cause in order to be a researcher to carry out the reasearch by using government fund, they have to be a lecturer. I guess that is why so many people here got their phd or Dr but they are still bad in explaining stuff.



I miss spending time with my family. I miss everyone so much. My fren here will be going home early except me. I will be here alone to study and help them take attendance. I really dont mind doing all that but I really wish I can be like them to go home early. I just cant wait to see how is my place looks like now, a land which i have been staying for so long will have a big change soon, I thought i can change my parents mind cause i really love my place so much. but it seems like it is still not something i am able to do. I have tried my best to show my parents about what we can do in this land, make it like a eco-tourism all that but still it doesnt work at all. Anyway, I guess everything happens for a reason.




Today, one of my fren asked me about the job prospect for plant science. We talked about the difference between biotech and plant science as well as the jobs available for plant science.I did mention that my bf might further study in plant breeding. Then I asked her opinion what if her bf is going oversea study and might be working in other country one day , will her give up her current life and follow her bf? Without any hesitation, she answered yes only if she would be offered a job too. I question her back , you are willing to leave your family here and go oversea? her answered once again was the same. I think maybe she is not that closed with her family cause she doesnt seem to care to go home. =S *shrug* I dont know. I seriously is uncertain of my future at this point. I worry the new life that my family and I have to go through, I worry the future life that my bf and I have to go through. but anyway, those are not something i am able to control. However, When it is time, I will be able to know. Good or bad, as long as everyone is having a life they want, I will be happy for them.

Oppsss =S

Today, my lecturer asked to see my fren and I. I thought it was about something related to the research. Surprisingly ,she gave us a lecture about" we all shall not always stick together in doing assignment and cant always walk together ,even come to office also cant walk together as a group because we all are Chinese, we have the same skin. She said this would affect our image for other lecturers especially non-Chinese. She some more asked us to do extra works to read more books from the library ,to get to know more about plants instead of studying like a machine for exam only.

She asked us to take initiative to read more ,gain more knowledge so that we don't blame our course as a useless course when we start working. I agree with her. Besides , She also mentioned that we all are too childish, always laugh and behave like kids. =.= By the way, this is what my parents always say to me. I told the lecturer what she said was already told by my parents and they all laughed. I told her that I will get more sun-tan so that my skin would look darker. x) but somehow I would still love to act like a kid cause i find it is fun. Still, time to serious must be serious.

Anyway I am happy to know a lecturer who is really nice enough to tell us and point out our weaknesses privately. She really treat us like treating her own children. I will bear her points in mind which is to take effort to study and gain more knowledge in this short period of time before my brainpower is getting weaker.

Mmm , this is really a nice place although there are many people who doesn't seem to care or even being dedicated enough to teach us either about lecture or about being a good human in here. But Somehow , You know what ? ... I am lucky =) to have a gang of very good friends and get to meet quite a few lecturers who always give us good advice in being a better man. x) I Thank God for that.